To Accept or To Accept A Bit Later

It’s a really lonely journey.

I constantly feel like I don’t belong anywhere, that I don’t fit in.

Honestly, I have been feeling this way since I was a little kid. I felt like I was different, but not in a good, superior way. Just.. different, as in I was feeling lonely and nobody could really understand me.

Now it gets even lonelier, I lost so many people that I loved so much, I have to let go of someone that I thought was the one. I had, and have to grieve, a lot.

The good news is, I felt okay as soon as I accepted the loss, I was healed as soon as I surrendered to the process. I let go as soon as I let myself grieve.

The bad news? I have to go through the Kübler-Ross cycle of grief at least twice a day.

I’m in the process of accepting the whole journey, obviously. 14 months ago, when my higher-self explained everything about this journey, how it has always been, how it was that time, and how it is going to be, I didn’t understand a thing about it. I thought it was just a hippie-dippy thought that I picked up somewhere and came up during the LSD trip. Or maybe, I was being in denial.

Now, I have walked quite far into this, I have been trying to accept it, I have been following the breadcrumbs and I was led to everything that I needed to know. All in uncanny ways.

Now I know that the hardest part of a spiritual awakening process is not losing people, it’s not losing (what you thought was) yourself, it’s not the feeling of not knowing yourself anymore. The hardest part is meeting your true self, knowing who you truly are, and accepting it. It’s extremely hard.

When the memories you didn’t know you had, came back to you, bringing up all the repressed traumas to the surface.

When your wounds are finally noticeable, demanding you to feel them and take care of them, all by yourself.

When you have to sit face-to-face in a room with your deepest fear, knowing that nobody will come and save you.

When you finally see that you are way more than who you thought you were, and realize you have been treating yourself less than it deserves.

Everything is so intense that my ego wants to cling to my old habits, now more than ever. My ego wants me to develop new obsessions, new addictions, anything to keep me from doing the inner work.

Sometimes my ego acts like a kid who is too scared of seeing something, trying to close its eyes and run across the room. It constantly tries to distract itself because that something is too unfamiliar. It doesn’t even know why that something is scary, it doesn’t even know if that something is, in fact, scary.

Sometimes it’s just like an adult who is too scared to be proven wrong and trying to trick me into thinking that this thing is crazy.

Sometimes it throws tantrum and refuses to say anything other than “Ugh I wish I were dead.”

However, there is no way back, I can only go forward or rest for too long that it confuses me even more. I only have two choices; to accept it, or to accept it a bit later. 

My ego keeps saying it’s unfair.

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