…and Here I Am

Now I know why people stay in toxic relationships. Both the pain and loneliness are unbearable.

If I’m being insensitive, I’d say a toxic relationship is like cancer, you can only rely on prevention because once you have it, it’s either you surrender to death or you fight 100% until you’re free. There’s no in-between.

…and like cancer, you need support and willingness to be free. You need purpose and reasons to live.

Sadly, it’s hard to get out of the whirlpool when you don’t have any of those or anything else, or at least when you feel like you don’t. You treat the relationship as the only root you’re holding on when you’re about to fall off a cliff. You don’t even know if getting up is going to be better than falling off. You just can’t let go.

You are too scared of falling, you want to make sure that something will be there to catch you when you actually fall. Here, you don’t believe in fate anymore. You want control. Here, it’s not death that you’re so scared of, you’re worried if you survive with broken legs. You are scared if you let go, you’ll struggle to move on. You’re scared of being hurt and lonely. Holding onto a root seems like the only thing that makes sense to you, even if it also hurts, but at least you have hope.

Here, hanging with your hand bleeding seems better than darkness and uncertainty.

Here, you think about the bridges and other roots that you’ve burned. Here, you blame yourself for ending up here. But there is no use, you’re confused, you’re desperate.

Here, you realize you don’t wanna fall because you forgot how to take care of your own wounds. You don’t want to take care of your own wounds. It will be so painful, not only from the wound, but also from loneliness, from guilt after leaving yourself, losing yourself, and letting yourself hurt.

Here, you realize that you won’t fall into darkness and uncertainty if you let go. You will fall into yourself.

and I can see why it’s scary.

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