It’s A Spiritual Awakening (damn it!)

I want to start writing about my journey, but I don’t know how to start. Well, honestly, I wrote about it on my Instagram captions, but I totally had no idea what was happening. It’s like a big puzzle whose pieces surprise me every time I found them. 

I had never heard about a spiritual awakening before, even though I come from a really religious and spiritual family, even though I had manifested so many things in my life with my mind, even though I could do lucid dream quite easily.

Well, I have to admit that at some level, I knew that I am some sort of spiritual. I had countless arguments with my parents about religion and questioned so many things about the universe, religions, religiosity, and God since I was 8 years old, but not even once I denied that I felt connected to a ‘higher power’. So, to minimize confusion, I said I ‘created’ my own ‘God’, something that is different to the God that I heard from other people, and to temporarily ease my cognitive dissonance and inner-debate because I haven’t figured my own belief.

I thought I was just lucky. Every time I thought about something I really wanted, it actually happened and I always got what I wanted. I can’t mention them, but they were more than just a new phone, new stuff, or good grades. I manifested the weirdest things people could ask for. Now that I think about it, I should’ve known I was either so blessed or the law of attraction worked for me so strongly. I enjoyed my easy life and I have been bragging about it my entire life. Although, now it has changed, I mean, my perspective has changed and things start to make sense.

It wasn’t until my first LSD trip that I still thought my journey was just a regular journey of a lucky girl with a mild mental illness. Well, technically it was my third LSD trip, but the first two were pure recreational with other people. It was also weird because I had lost the blotter for months. I had been working 7 days a week for 10 months AND I had moved twice since I lost it. It appeared quite magically one day before my first day off and my first time being alone in a share house I was living in.

I was tripping by myself, not expecting anything other than just a ‘break’ since I was stuck in an isolated town during the Christmas period and everyone was gone for holidays. The trip was quite strong, but I didn’t experience much of visuals. Instead, my fingers started typing a 9-page-letter to myself. I got chills every time I read it, it was extremely articulate, it contains answers about my past, my present, and my future, it contains some advice and most importantly, it tells me to meditate, something I had never thought I would do. It’s also full of spiritual terms that I didn’t even know about.

The next day, I started doing research about psychedelics, spiritual stuff, and the things written in the letter. I even thought about the term “higher self” that I swear I had never heard of. I was surprised because I found out, from other people’s writings and journals, that my acid trip was highly spiritual, so I started meditating and the journey continued… for a month. I was too afraid. I was in denial.

At the beginning of the year, I moved to Perth even though I swore I’m not a city person, and for a whole year in the city, I felt like I was running on a long travelator… to the other direction. I experienced constant failures (really, it was like every door I tried to open, slammed in my face), I was oddly miserable in a perfectly good life, my vibration and energy were extremely low, I felt confused all the time, I started doing some long-gone habits, every day felt the same and yet somehow so different and not connected to the previous day. My subconscious mind did everything it could to make me feel like myself again.

During that year, I had so many vivid dreams about my childhood, sometimes it wasn’t even a dream. I could be busy cooking and I got glimpses of memories that I didn’t even know I had. I got triggered by some neutral events and acted like a lunatic. One day, I found out, again, from the internet, that it was my wounded inner child that is ready to begin the healing process. Does it sound crazy to you? It does to me too, I swear. I feel crazy!

But I confirmed the memories, they actually happened. I confirmed the experience by looking up on the internet, and again, it was something that so many people experienced during their spiritual awakening, apparently. (Damn it, even when I’m writing this I still can’t accept it.)

The End of December 2019

A whole year had passed after the acid trip, or as it turned out, was called “chemical enlightenment”. In the middle of my desperation, I started meditating again, this time it was just an attempt to get myself together. But instead, I get more and more confused and every single day, I think I am going crazy. I feel so disconnected and alienated. I feel like I have some new beliefs and faith that my logic is still fighting against. When I write this, I’m back in Bali, my hometown, and have been staying at home for 3 weeks. I have no desire to connect to my old life, or my old activities, or even my friends.

I sometimes think it’s my mental illness that is playing with me. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 22, but again, (damn it), as I watched so many Youtube videos and blogs of people who are now “spiritually awakened”, they too had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADHD, depression, and they experienced almost exactly what I experienced. Every symptom on every list that I found was exactly me, and according to them, the whole experience is not a mental illness, they were just signs of awakening.

If someone asks me how I’m doing now, I still feel crazy. I feel more confused than ever. I feel more disconnected and disoriented, but at the same time feel more connected to something (I want to say the Universe, but it sounds so hippie-dippy). I made fun of my friends by calling them hippies when they were into this kind of stuff. I don’t even know why I thought it was funny, I was so young and they were in their 20s. That’s also one of the reasons why I’m being so resistant and in denial, if I start telling my friends about my journey and how uncanny it is, I’m sure they will call me “hippie” or think I’m just a ‘bipolar’ girl who develops psychotic symptoms.

There are so many missing pieces that I didn’t tell in this story because they were so uncanny and I’m still processing everything. However, I know that the journey didn’t start on the day I found the LSD, it started since I was so young because every single piece of my journey was connected to the next one and led me to this day. Wow, so weird. Damn it.

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