So, right now, I’m trying to do chores to make me feel better after 7 days of staying in bed, ignoring skripsi and everything, and suddenly I wanted to write about what’s going on in my head.
I wrote something about it before but I made it sound more poetic. I will put the link later when I post this.
This time I want to make this one genuine. I wouldn’t even re-read it or recheck the grammar.
Just like other people do, I used to think people with depression on social media were just ‘caper’.
The truth is, if they actually are depressed, no.
Now I know that every time people try to give me a hand, I only find myself being all paranoid, defensive, and don’t feel deserving.
I will push them away or ignore them.
I will continue to look at the people who treat me like shit and believe THAT is how I should be treated, that’s what I deserve. And that, I’m drowning in depression, even deeper.
My family is perfect. Like, perfect.
They’re very supportive. They know that something is wrong with me, very clearly.
They did everything to cheer me up; bought me chocolates, cakes, asked me what’s wrong, hugged me, gave me money (which WORKED, of course, for at least 5 mins).
But, what did I do to them?
Yes. I ignored them.
I hurt them.
Does that mean I don’t care about them or busy with my own life? Or simply wanting someone else to be there for me?
I found myself crying every night, thinking that I’m such a burden for them.
Comparing myself to my brother, who is, such a blessing to me and my whole family.
There, I started to think about suicide, about moving out.
No, not because I want to be free.
I seriously think I don’t deserve them. At all.
Same goes with people I ignored, in my chats.
Who tried to cheer me up by sending me Kirana’s picture, memes, or even trying to call me 10 times just to make sure I have someone to talk to.
It’s not their fault, of course.
It’s not mine too. Or, yea, maybe it’s mine.
I know, I look like I’m such an ungrateful bitch.
But I didn’t choose to be this paranoid and I simply don’t feel deserving.
Sometimes, I write everything I feel on Twitter, and when people started to reply or retweet those tweets, I felt uncomfortable. Like, “I need to defend myself, I’m not that weak. People might think I’m caper. God, I shouldn’t’ve tweeted that.”
That’s what goes in my head.
I’m, however, glad that, at least, I’m living with bipolar type II.
So I have the chance to feel happy and free from depression when I’m in hypomanic phase. That’s my only hope when I’m drowning in depression at night. Waiting for the “light” to come and the feelings when suddenly everything seems right. I’ll feel happy all the time, there will be the time when it’s all about being positive, very social, about unrealistic self-esteem, random hook-ups, impulsive buying.
It sounds crazy. I know. I might sound crazy in this writing. Uh, I realized I just started to blame myself again. I got to stop writing this.
So, do you still think people with clinical depression are just “caper”?